i’m high

Even with

serotonin sloshing behind my dilated eyes, like little raging rapids

they always ask me

“Why are you self-deprecating?”

It happens

right after they tell me

how fucking hot I am

and how funny I am

and how good I make then feel

all over

including inside their chest.

She drools on top of mine.

“Your girlfriend is so lucky, and she’s so hot…you’re so hot…”

But

I am hot

because I’m overheating

all liquids rapidly exiting my body.

My brain

didn’t translate the compliment.

“Sorry, I’m not quite as hot as her.”

Sometimes there’s an eye roll; this time, it’s a scoff.

“You could really win an award or something for your self-deprication.”

[boom]

A silent bomb goes off inside me and…pain, though not felt, and for the first time with her, spills out, even in this state.

“My best friend is gone forever. She was never my best friend. She thought I was just totally awful. She was completely horrid. And I don’t know what to do.”

She stares.

And blinks.

Um.

Crap.

A wave overtakes us and we forget about it.

In the bathroom later, I look through

the texts of the people who love me

the ones who are there for me.

They are so many in number.

And they would never try and hurt me.

They’d sooner sob.

They’d never blame me.

Or worse yet, loophole me out of existence.

I respond to each person

individually.

“Hi…sorry I’m this way. I appreciate you. I really do care so much that you care.

Multiple words are spelled wrong, in reality.

I am high.

Quickly, a chorus of lights and vibrations comfort me.

I’m still on the toilet.

But love finds me.

Even here.

No matter the person, or my words, or our circumstances, or the time zone.

Depleted of serotonin

my brown eyes wide open

naked

and with her out there waiting for me

I am

completely alone

like

I always was.

Loved

and so lucky.